emyrldlady: (Arrgh)
I know I hardly post here anymore. But I'm cross posting this everywhere. Just need to get it out.

This is going to be long. It’s going to be a rant and a lecture. It’s going to be about diabetes and those well-meaning friends. So if you don’t want to hear/read it just skip it. But if you read through this and at the end feel the need to make a snarky comment you will be unfriended. No matter how funny you think you are… you’re not. I don’t care if being sarcastic is ‘your thing’, it’s mine too. But this isn’t the time or place for it.

To the person who posts a picture of a giant cake and or ice cream and candy and says #I’m gonna get Di-a-beet-us. Fuck you. To the person who thinks it’s funny to belittle my LIFE THREATENING DISEASE. Fuck you. I didn’t get sick from candy. I got sick because a part of my body stopped working. You don’t mock someone for kidney failure or cancer so stop thinking this is a funny disease. It’s not.

Did you know that your own body naturally produces glucose (sugar)? So if I never ever EVER ate sugar again I could still die.
Diabetes and complications from diabetes is the fastest growing cause for death in the US. Yes there are a lot of correlations to sugar consumption and the American diet in general. If you are genetically predisposed you can somewhat stave it off with a sugar free/low carb diet. But if your pancreas doesn’t work it doesn’t work. Some people are born with a non-functioning pancreas, they are listed as juvenile diabetes or Type 1. I was diagnosed in my early 30’s with type 2 because my pancreas kinda sorta maybe a little worked and there is no way an adult can be Type 1. Guess what. I wasn’t a ‘bad diabetic’ I was misdiagnosed. I am Type 1, or to be more specific Type 1.5 which is an adult who is insulin dependent because their pancreas does not work.  Mine had a limited life time and no warranty. It made it to 32 and started shutting down.

When I post something about ‘eating all the things’ because of my low blood sugar. It’s called gallows humor.

Let me walk you through a middle of the night low for me. I’m asleep, it’s 3am and then suddenly I’m jolted awake with the urge to vomit. I realize I’m in bed and I’m SOAKED with sweat. I try and focus my eyes and can’t. Everything is blurry and my head is pounding and I’m shaking and can barely struggle to sit up. I grab my blood sugar meter which I keep under my pillow for just this reason. I fumble to get a test strip in and poke my finger, I often have to do this a few times because dehydration is also a symptom. I finally get a reading and it says 42. Under 40 and you’re usually in a coma. How do I know this? Don’t ask. Now what all the doctors and practitioners tell you is to take 15g of glucose and wait 15 minutes to test again. Well that’s all nice and dandy but your body is telling you to FIX THIS FIX IT NOW OR YOU WILL DIE I WILL KILL YOU FROM THE INSIDE I’M NOT KIDDING YOU WILL DIE!!!!
Now at 3am shaking, trying not to vomit and sweat pouring down your face who are you going to listen to? The doctor who has not ever experienced this or your body? Hmm? Yeah, you’re reaching for the snickers I know you are. And so am I. Snickers, candy, glucose tablets, a ham and cheese sandwich, apple sauce everything and anything you can shove in your mouth just to MAKE IT STOP.

Now you wait. You’re exhausted, because, hey first off its 3am and you should be asleep. Then you’re body has just done the equivalent of a marathon panic attack and you’re afraid to go back to sleep because you may go into a coma. You check your sugars again, and in 15 minutes from when you ate everything in your fridge you’re sugars are only at 95. Well that’s what you want them to be so you think it’s ok to try and get back to sleep, you don’t fall into a deep sleep because you’re still hyperaware of your body. So you doze till the alarm goes off at 6am. Your mouth feels like you ate your pillow and well, that’s a possibility because you really aren’t paying attention to what you’re shoving in your mouth during a low, so you down a bottle of water. I have a mini fridge in my room and reach for one before I’ve even gotten out of bed.  But what’s going on is that you’ve actually not processed all the sugar you ate during the night and when you check your morning sugars it’s over 300. You hang your head in shame. You berate yourself for doing this. You know better. You don’t need anyone else commenting on it. So now you adjust your morning insulin based on your sugar levels and wait till you know what you’re going to have for breakfast for the rest. Yay! More shots, or in my case extra pumping.

This is something that happens to me 3 or 4 times a month.

Since I’ve been diagnosed I’ve been near death at least 8 times. Hospitalized for DKA. I have woken up in ICU with an IV in my chest because they couldn’t get my veins from dehydration. I’ve had severe diabetic retinopathy where I was pretty sure I was going to go blind. I’ve had to give up theater because I can’t stand for long periods of time and have short term memory issues. I’ve had severe swelling in my legs to the point that I felt my skin was going to tear apart. I’ve had a collapsed lung and severe pneumonia. I’ve had ER doctors say to me ‘How the hell are you not dead?’ I joke and make light of it, again ‘gallows humor’. I have depression and have often thought ‘if I just take too much insulin I can fix this permanently’.

I think most of you have heard of the ‘spoon theory’ and have a basic knowledge that people with chronic diseases of which I have TWO, have only a limited supply of energy each day and we never know how much until we wake up. How much energy do you think I have after a 3am low? None.

I am a ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ kind of person, I hate whiners and I hate to whine. I’ve had to do for myself my whole life. And while I’ve got a few friends who ‘get it’ there is a world of people out there who don’t. I persevere and push through as best I can. I have no other choice. There is never a day off. There is never a ‘good day’.

So when I say I’ve ‘eaten all the things’ it’s because my body was trying to kill me and I over compensated. When I eat something sugary, I compensate for that too. I take extra insulin. I walk more, I calculate what goes into my mouth all day, every day. I can guestimate most everything and I have an app that helps me keep track.

I’m not ignoring my illness. As much as I’d love to, I can’t. Ever. So don’t look down on me and think or say ‘if you didn’t eat that’ because the next person who does that is no longer my friend. I’ve seen way too much of this attitude and it has to stop.

Stop blaming ME for my disease.

You’d never do that to someone who has cancer. Why is it acceptable to mock and point blame with diabetes?


Nov. 16th, 2015 10:29 am
emyrldlady: (Default)
I'm sorry that all I do here is complain but I need a release valve. If I do it on FB I let my whole family see how miserably I'm failing at life and I can only deal with only so much of  *you should pray*. Yeah I'm praying, I'm praying for a new pancreas and to win the lottery.

So I want to say things were/are a bit better. Since I moved in with Jeff he's been awesome about carrying most of my load financially so I can go to school. I'm about a month and a half away from getting my MSCA for SQL Server. Once done I should be able to get a good paying job. One that will help me pay back Jeff and to get quite a few things taken care of that I've been ignoring. Like a large portion of my health, I need new glasses, I need desperately to go to the dentist (that will rack up to the thousands) I need MUCH better insurance than the shit AmerihealthNJ that I'm paying $400 a month out of my own pocket. They constantly are my biggest headache. I've got about $2000 worth of denials from them for things that 6 months ago they approved. Mainly my insulin pump supplies.

Now the big problem right now (yes the insurance bills aren't my BIG problem)

My school is run by a bunch of fucking idiots. It's not really even a school. It's a tech certification center. They are completely ill equipped to deal with someone coming in to learn who has no background in any of what they provide classes and certifications for. It took two months to finally get things rolling along so that I've got the books, and websites and finally a teacher who understand I've got no background in SQL or any database mgmt system or any real computer background other than an end user who somewhat recognizes some of the terms you're using.

This was supposed to be a 13 week course. I started Aug 17, my 13th week would be now. I was told in early October that since we had a rocky start that they filed an extension and it was approved till Dec 6. I WAS TOLD THIS, I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT IT, I WAS TOLD IT HAPPENED.
So two weeks ago when we realized that the holiday was going to screw up our timelines and I'd have no time to practice for my exam for the last module I'd not had they were going to request a SECOND extension till the first week in Jan and that would be great. But they warned me that the unemployment office may approve the schooling extension but not my financial funds. I immediately worried about how I was going to make it through December and then until I actually found a proper job.

But of course this is MY life, I can't even get that shitty of an outcome. Last Sunday I, as usual, logged into my unemployment account to apply for my weekly benefits and was locked out. I didn't know why. I had to wait till Monday to speak with a person so I went in to school as usual and set myself up at my desk. I then walked past the school admin and he flagged me down with massive appologies. Turns out he NEVER FILED MY ORIGINAL EXTENSION. And on top of that he only filed me for ELEVEN weeks, not thirteen. I am currently cut off from all funds and it looks like I won't finish this fucking school course till January.

Jeff is giving me money to pay my major bills but god damn it I'm tired of being a drain on him. I just can't be such a burden to him. It hurts every time I look at him. He's so good to me and I don't deserve it. He's annoyed, and upset and I don't blame him. He's not mad at me, but at the situation, but I still can't help walking on egg shells.

I have some major TMI stress induced health issues going on, not the least of is I've had my period for 45 days straight.

I don't know why this is my life. I'm just so tired of it all.
emyrldlady: (Maureen OHara)
So a few of you may have noticed a decided lack of ‪#‎fitforfifty‬ in my posting. I had a few setbacks and stopped going to the gym and my diet went a bit by the wayside. I can make excuses, lost my job, depression, new medicines, going on the insulin pump... but today I started again and I'm very happy I did. I didn't do a lot, just a stretch warm up and 30 minutes on the bike but it was something. And when I wobbly walked out of the gym I took a nice deep breath and was proud of myself.

I gained back 10 of the 17 lbs that I had lost but weight isn't the end game here and I've got to remind myself that. While I can't afford the stretch classes again until I'm gainfully employed there is no reason I can't go to the gym. I've kept up my membership and it's fairly inexpensive. I was doing well and feeling much better about myself when I was treating my body well. It's time to get back to that.
emyrldlady: (Spoilers)
I have been alerted to the fact that one of my fanfiction stories posted both here and on AO3 has been appropriated by a for-profit website.

I have requested that my work be taken off their site or appropriate action will be taken.

For all my author friends, please check that your own works haven't been taken as well.


UPDATE: Someone on Tumblr has kindly set up a How-To on asking for your works to be deleted from the site.

emyrldlady: (DW Shake)
Trying to get my writing mojo back. I'm working outside fandom as well as in. I'm giving myself 15 min challenges. If you care to give me prompts I'll gladly take them.

Non-fandom prompt: A woman sitting on a wrought iron park bench. It is just before dawn and she's just sitting there in the dark. Tell me why.

It's still dark but the sky is taking on tinges of purples and lavender, the midnight blues lightening with the dawn of a new day. Janey sat still, her new black wool coat wrapped stiffly around her body to ward off the chill. She'd always liked this park, the benches were old fashioned and the gas lamps along the path made her dream of another time.

Her head turned at the rustling of leaves to her left and she smiled, the adage of the early bird rang true today as she watched a mother bird collect her breakfast to return to her nest of chirping babies high above Janey's head.

With the movement of her head she realized that she'd been sitting still for hours, lost in thought. Slowly she moved her shoulders and neck, rotating her head carefully. Then began the clenching and unclenching of her hands and the shifting of her legs, now alert and filled with pins and needles. She took a breath and realized it wasn't watery, for the first time in days.

The first tendrils of light began to pronounce the new day and caught fire as it gleamed off the diamond on her left hand. She straightened her hand, ran it over the folded triangle of cloth on her lap and smiled sadly. "For his dedicated service." the honor guard had said. Janey smiled sadly and rose from the bench to walk the few blocks home from the park. The park where she had met a young soldier near a bandstand, the park where they had been married, and the park where only a day ago she had scattered his ashes.
emyrldlady: (DW Shake)
Hello all,

I really haven't been posting my new fic and there has been a bit of it. I know a few of you still follow my writing ( I hope)

First off I've got 'pasgetti verse' which is a fluffy AU of Clint and Coulson being neighbors and falling in lofe.  Just random prompts people send me and I string it all together.


Secondly I was prompted with a Jack/Coulson fic. So yay! Crossover Torchwood and Avengers!! It made sense too! So far it's a one shot but I may add to it.


I've got a few things up there under AO3, I like the platform. It's some of my old TW and mostly new Avengers. I'm a C/C shipper hardcore.
emyrldlady: (Spoilers)
I was going to make a fitness update, but I got sidelined by news from my endocrinologist.

My A1C is at 8.6. It should be between 5.2 and 6.5, but no higher than 7, over 7 is ‘Danger Will Robinson’ territory.

She has officially changed my diagnosis to Type 1 Diabetic. My pancreas is completely shut down and does not produce any insulin.  We have begun to seriously discuss the pump. I currently have a needle and monitor attached to my side to take continual readings for three days and the doctor will call me next week with the results. We are checking for my insurance company’s approval.

My Hashimoto’s disease is worse. She has doubled my dosage of Levathyroxine. I don’t have my blood work results in front of me but she wasn’t happy with my TSH levels.

There is also elevated levels of protein in my urine which is a sign of kidney damage. She’s prescribed a blood pressure medicine that can help with that. The down side of that is I naturally have low blood pressure. So YIPPIEE I get to maybe pass out occasionally.

And the kicker, I’ve got high cholesterol. My LDL is 157, last time it was at 93. So in addition to no carbs/sugars, I have to take out beef/pork/lamb/shellfish/egg yolks/cheese/butter. So pretty much I can only eat chicken/turkey and certain veggies (because yes, some veggies are high in sugar, I’m lookin at you carrots, corn, peas and potatoes, ok we knew potatoes were bad)

So while I entered the doctor’s office feeling good about how I’ve changed over the past few months I’ve got a very long way to go.
emyrldlady: (Disaster)
I was doing so well.

I definitely have what you would call situational depression. I become depressed when I can’t control situations and am left helpless by what’s going on around me. Best example of that is of course money.

Since I was bailed out in October my depression hasn’t vanished but I’ve been able to control it and deal with it much better. The push for a healthy new me has helped greatly.

Yesterday was supposed to be one of those days where I ‘take control’. I took the day off and had a couple of annual doctor’s visits set up. After that I planned on a little post birthday pampering.
I slept in, then made myself eggs and bacon and showered and headed out.

I got to my Endo and they asked me for my referral paperwork. I looked at them confused. My referral was good for six months and It was approved in August…. Nope. My insurance company wiped everything clean as of the first of the year.

Not only did they wipe out my referrals, they wiped out my GP information as well so that when I called my GPs office in an emergency they had no access to my insurance site and couldn’t get me another referral.
I had to call my insurance company, have them reinstate my GP information and then called back my GP, mind you I’m still sitting in my Endo’s office doing all this because I can’t get into my appointment without all of this, GP’s office says it takes 24hrs for the updates to go through and they can’t backdate anything these days and besides that the GP needs to see me in his office before they can do a referral. But I have to wait to see them because they’re not listed yet in my insurance system.

My Endo’s office wanted to charge me for the visit that I didn’t get to have that’s $50 for a specialist. But she ‘kindly’ let me off and rebooked an emergency visit for me for next week. That means I have to take more time off of work.

What this also means is that I didn’t get to go to any of my other doctor’s appointments either.

But it got worse…
As I was driving away from the doctor’s office I got sideswiped. Someone sped up thinking they could get around me as I made the left. They were totally in my blind spot and they hit my rear passenger side. There is no great damage, mostly rubber scrapes and a few paint chips. I’m just upset as I’ve only had this car for six months. Really, I can’t have nice things.

At this point in the day I turned my car around and went home and back to bed. I ate bad food, didn’t get my hair cut or mani-pedi or go to the gym like I planned. I just went home and pouted.

In the grand scheme of things this is not the worst day I’ve ever had. Not even close. However it is the worst day I’ve had since October and it mentally sent me spiraling. Every ‘coping’ habit I have came flooding back. I curled up, didn’t talk to anyone and ate three times what I should have. I lied to myself and that’s the worst part. I really didn’t care.

I got up today, I went to work. I am trying, but it’s a rough one. I know in my brain exactly what I’m doing. I’m just struggling to stop damaging myself because really, I’m the only one who loses.

Thanks for the listen.


Jan. 6th, 2015 03:46 pm
emyrldlady: (Elf ears)
So the holidays have come and gone, hope everyone had a safe and happy season.

My birthday has also come and gone, I'm 48 now, so this #fitforfifty thing is getting serious.  I gained back a few pounds over the holidays but that's to be expected. I'm not doing resolutions this year. I'm just living life, but here are a few things I've done lately and hopefully will have created them as habits.

Things I’ve done for myself lately;

Cut out soda
Exercise 4 days a week
Power Stretch
Started wearing makeup again
Eating more veggies
Focused on what I need, not what someone else wants from me
Mostly sticking to my lists
Started deep cleaning the apartment
Doing more writing
Started meditating again
Stopped saying ‘I’ll do that starting next week/year/month’
emyrldlady: (Spoilers)
Last year I made a list and I think I did pretty well.  A lot of the things are struck thru but they are still ongoing, just like life.

New Year's Resolutions 2014

Go to the museum, any museum
See a show on Broadway
Completely redecorate the apartment
Keep the apartment clean
Cook more
Cut down on soda
Take better care of my appearance
Listen to more music

Make a reading list and READ
Take better care of my health
Work smarter AND harder
Get a permanent job
Stop procrastinating
Pay back what you owe & pay it forward
Go out more, it doesn't have to be expensive

Get involved
Get a life
Get your credit score up
Get a new car (new to me)
Go out on a date
Go out on several dates
Remember how to flirt
Go to Faire more often
Keep in touch with old friends

Make new friends


Dec. 24th, 2014 08:03 pm
emyrldlady: (Katherine H. Whuuu?)
I need to vent for a moment.

What's the term?  Schadenfreude?

You ever have a friend who pretty much is your friend because your life sucks and they feel better about their own life because of your misery? No? Really? Well, guess you've got better friends than me.

As most of you know my last few years have sucked. And in the last 3 months it's turned around. I've had a friend, a good friend, lend me a great deal of money so I got ahead of my finacial problems. The plan is that around March we are going to move in together and my expenses will be cut in half. To that end I will begin to pay this friend back.

Now this other friend, she's not happy about this. She says that it's a huge mistake and that I'm going to regret this because the person who lent me money will hold it over my head. They won't. I'm certain of it. She also says that I can't live with anyone. Because I'm too demanding. ( I may be a bit demanding, but I never expect from anyone what I'm not willing to put out there)

When I mentioned that part of the plan is for me to go back to school part time, she said to me.... 'you know with your  diabetes and thyroid issue you probably can't comprehend well anymore.'  Yes, she told me I'm too sick to learn.

When I mentioned that I was interested in social media marketing, she said that was for young people. So now not only am I too sick, I'm too old. I'm turning 48 in a couple of weeks. That is not too old, and yes I have illnesses, but I'm not stupid.

So I ignored her remarks, and distanced myself a bit. Now around this time, maybe a little after, with my financial issues not stressing me out, I started to get healthy, I started dieting and exercising. I'm down 12lbs and a few inches off my waist.  Go Me! I've made a few posts here about it but I'm mostly talking about it on FB. I've even got my walk app synced to my FB so it posts my progress.

This morning I saw this friend and she actually said to me 'I unfriended you on FB because I couldn't stand seeing all your posts. It was making me depressed."

Yes, MY feeling good about myself depressed her.  Well, you know what depresses me? Wasting years being her friend. I'm done. If you can't feel happy for me, and you need to actively avoid my being cheerful... fuck you. How's that for happy.
emyrldlady: (Snow Rose)
To all my friends and family,

You may be family by blood, choosing or a new friend I’ve never met.

To say that this year has been bad would be an understatement. I’ve gone through rough years, lean years, unemployment and life threatening illnesses before, seriously, the ICU nurses know me. But this year got to me. This year I suffered from depression the likes I’ve never seen. I had to beg for money. It was humiliating and eye opening. I’ve had to re-evaluate my life, my friends, needs and my priorities.
The people who stepped up to the plate and helped me without judgment, you have no idea what you have really done. You have saved my life. I don’t mean that as an over dramatization. Less than six months ago I was set to end my life. I have no immediate support system. No spouse/boyfriend to share my burden with. My friends and family have their own lives to contend with, and I didn’t want to make their lives worse. I don’t know what I would have done if certain people hadn’t reached down into the hole I’d curled up in and hauled me out.

Whether it was a phone call, a text, an email; emotional or financial. You all saved me. (Especially one person)

Do I still have debt? Yes, but at the moment I’m not drowning and there is a plan in place for the coming year to begin life again. I’m trying to find out who I’m meant to be and at almost 48, that’s a hard place to find yourself.  But I know I don’t want to have another year like this one.
Speaking of almost 48, my birthday is coming up. Usually having spent Christmas and New Year’s alone followed closely by my birthday sends me into a tailspin of emotional failure. I am very lucky when I can get a few people together for a few drinks for my birthday. But this year I’m asking for something different.

I’m not in a position to pay it forward yet, but I’d like to try through all of you. Do me a favor? Do someone else a favor. Take a few bucks or a few hours and do some good. Donate to a good cause, an established charity, buy a homeless person a meal. Plant a tree, go through your closet and donate some old clothes.

And since it is MY birthday, let me know what you’ve done. C’mon, give me the warm fuzzies for my birthday.

emyrldlady: (A faire day)
Ok, yesterday's workout sucked. I only did a little over 1/2 mile on the treadmill and 1 mile on the bike. The reason for that was my knees were really really swollen and it was painful. I don't know all the weight machines but I fiddled around with the lats and abs ones and learned how to use them. I have to remember that just because I can do it one day doesn't mean I can do it again the next day. Not until I can get an ortho to look at my knees and the swelling to see what the problem is. I've ignored my health for years, a month of doing the right thing isn't going to make it all go away. Back to the gym tomorrow. Today is about cleaning, laundry and chores. I went food shopping and for the 2nd week in a row bought no frozen or over processed foods. Salads, fish and pork. I still have to get the hang of healthy side dishes. For the record weigh in was 192. Total of 8.6lbs. It will fluctuate but for now it's going in the right direction. Thanks for listening (reading). ‪
emyrldlady: (A faire day)
Today I accomplished something I haven’t in a really long time. I touched my toes. Now that may not seem like much but I, even when skinny was never very flexible. But I did it today. These Power Stretch classes are expensive, but I’m finding the way. I’ve given up soda and DnD and eating out. No more fast food for me. I’ve been keeping track on myfitnesspal.com. In 3 weeks I’ve lost 7lbs. I had lost 8 but gained one back. I didn’t think it bothered me but I guess it did. I back slid a bit this past week. I kept under my calorie count but my carbs were over and my workouts weren’t as good as they should have been. But I did go, 4 sessions this week, 3 at the gym and 1 power stretch. Next week will be 4 at the gym as I’m doing power stretch every other week as that’s costing me a lot of money but really really worth it. I leave there and feel amazing. I hurt, but I feel great.
I found a youtube station for yoga and I need to rip the vids so I can play them on my tv. I am not the most savvy tech wise but I’ll get it sorted.
Another thing I did today was food shop. I went to 3 different stores to get the things I wanted. I’m fine with that. I didn’t grow up with big box stores, we always went to the butcher and the grocer and (no not the candlestick maker) the supermarket was for dry goods and cleaning supplies.
My new goal is to not eat frozen meals. I’m getting the hang of portioning thanks to my new food scale. I bought salad and chicken and fish. I’m looking forward to food this week. I still need to work on sides. To me sides are always pasta and potatoes. I even bought Brussel sprouts… who am I?!?
I’m only 3 weeks into this change. I was a month ago I saw myself and finally said NO. Supposedly it takes 30 days to change or form a habit. This week was a little rough going, I was really whining but thanks to a few good friends I kept mostly on track.
I found an old picture of me that I’m using as Thinspiration. It’s about 8-9 years old I was 38-39. So I’m not being unrealistic in my goals.

emyrldlady: (Get yer Freak on)
Every day isn't going to be great. I know that. I pushed myself hard this weekend because I was finally feeling good. I did some hard housecleaning and loads of laundry that need to be carried up and down a few flights of stairs. Sunday at the gym I pushed harder. I did a heavy grocery shopping that also had me hauling things up and down stairs. By the time mid day hit on Sunday I was paying for all of that. I'm not going to the gym today and I'm ok with that. But I also got very down on myself last night. I had been talking about ideas for a career change and going back to school with a friend on Saturday. I tried to do some research and ended up pretty depressed. The costs are just so hard for me to comprehend. I still have to check out resources but I'm stumped. My bad credit won't help with a loan and how does one qualify for some sort of scholarship when they haven't been inside a school for 30 years. So yeah. I was pretty down last night and it's lingering this morning. But I'm still going to try. There are going to be ups and downs. You can't just miraculously wake up one day and your depression and bad habits are gone. I overate last night. Not dramatically. I didn't eat a pint of ice cream or had fast food. But I did go over my carb limit and I'm a little disappointed in myself. But Rome wasn't built in a day. Thanks for listening.
emyrldlady: (corset)

I'm working very hard on being positive. It actually seems to be working. I've spent so much time complaining about my life and it does suck sometimes. But I need to take control over the things that I CAN control. 
Financially I'm in a bit of a better place as I've gotten a loan and am currently out of debt except for that loan. There is a plan in place that will have me saving money starting in the New Year. I will have to move and get a roommate, I already know who it is, he just has to get the rest of his plan in place, we’ve already looked at apartments and know what we want and for the most part are in complete agreement. 
Once I’ve settled in a new place my bills will be reduced by almost $500 a month. That’s significant, especially for me.
Come spring, I want to go back to school. I have no idea for what or how exactly. I’m checking into different aptitude sites. I’m so burnt out and Travel will never give me the paycheck I need to survive, never mind thrive. I’m hoping I end up in some sort of research position. I do enjoy that.
I had a realization lately, especially with my new fitness/health plan #fitforfifty that for the past few years I’ve just been waiting to die. That’s no way to live. I’ve done some fun things but I stopped planning. I stopped wanting things. I just….. was. The only daydreams I had were winning the lottery or different ways of dying. I would be driving down the road and could envision how I would crash my car just the right way that I wouldn’t survive. I would wonder how much insulin it would take to kill myself. And then be pissed off that I couldn’t afford the insulin.
There is so much out there and I need to remember that my life is not bad. It’s what I make of it. It’s time I took control back.
I’m doing that now. I’ve lost 8 lbs in almost 3 weeks. I’ve joined an affordable gym. I’ve started meditating again. I’m reading again. Not just fanfic but books. I’ve gone and sat in a coffee shop and people watched. I’ve remembered what it’s like to be out and about in the world.
I’ve had a lot of encouragement and for that I’m very grateful. Some people haven’t been as supportive as I’d like. I think that if I’m in a terrible position, they feel better about themselves. That’s not what a true friend is. I’m trying to cut the negativity out of my life and sadly that means letting go of some people.
I’m still going to be the sarcastic lil’ bitch I’ve always been. I’m just gonna have a great job and a bangin bod to go with it!

emyrldlady: (I'm Fucked)
In a little over 2 years I will turn 50. Many of my doctors, usually the ER/ICU doctors as me 'How are you still alive?."  To which I usually reply 'Evil never dies.'. But in actuality, I really am not healthy. Your 40's can be a downward spiral of health issues and I've got quite a few. My diabetes isn't well controlled, I have Hashimoto's - a thyroid disease, neuropathy, poor circulation, my neck is about 3 inches out of alignment causing a lot of pain, sciatica and mild arthritis/bursitis. So yep, I'm falling apart. 
Last weekend I had something simultaneously incredible and horrible happen to me. I've posted about how I went to PaleyFest and met the stars of Agents of SHEILD. I even got to make a comment to them, live, on camera.... yeah that was the horrible part. When I saw myself on the live stream I was horrified at how I looked. I always thought I carried my weight well, but that doesn't mean I don't have weight. Boy did it show. The camera adds ten pounds, not sixty. The last time I saw my Endo she advised me that I was classified as obese. I laughed at her. But seeing myself? Yeah. I tipped the scale at 200 this past week and I'm done. It's time to change.
I don't have the money for a gym, and I really don't like them. I'd love a personal trainer but that also is out of the question financially. Today I had a free consultation for a stretch class. It was one on one and it was amazing. Don't get me wrong, my back and left arm are hurting but that's because I am completely inactive. Hell my back can hurt sitting on the sofa. So I am pledging to cut out my daily Dunkin Donut's run so I can afford to take the 45 min class. I can pay as I go and there are no contracts. I'm also getting back into guided mediation and I'd like to explore yoga. But first, stretching. (yes I know yoga is basically stretching, but I need help to get started).
If anyone has any non financially challenged suggestions please let me know.
I've joined myfitnesspal.com and if anyone wants to friend me on that go ahead I'm Emyrldlady (big shock). I'm learning a lot about the food I've been eating and again, so not good for me.
I've joined gyms before, never really did diets, but I'm not looking to diet, I'm looking to become healthy.
For the month of November, to start with, I am not ordering in, not going out to eat and no fast food. We'll see how well I do. I'm also cutting out soda, even diet. It's water and unsweetened iced tea. Oh and coffee, seriously I'm keeping my morning coffee. You wouldn't like me without coffee.
Like I said, I'm creeping up on fifty and my goal is to lose the weight, change my diet and exercise. I want to get it off and keep it off by fifty. To that end I've got my own hashtag, #fitforfifty If you want to suppress it go ahead because I'm warning you all, I am going to be annoying. I'm cross posting to many platforms with this post so sorry if you all get slammed.
But I'm not sorry about my new adventure. Say it with me #fitforfifty !!

emyrldlady: (whisper to me)

Hive Mind, I need your help.

Recently I saw myself on film. I know the camera adds pounds. But not 60 or so. To that end, during one of the most stressful times of my life and the beginning of the holiday season I've decided to finally lose weight. I'm now keeping a food diary (which as a diabetic I really should have had one to begin with) to keep track of what I'm eating. I'm trying to walk during lunch and at night (the pouring rain isn't helping). While my cousin suggested CrossFit which seems awesome, yet intimidating it's WAY out of my price range at the moment. I also have sensory sues in large cavernous spaces like gyms (I can't really explain it). So while I'm starting small, I intend to finish this, well not finish it, continue it as a way of life. Food, exercise, taking care of myself.

Ok, here is where I need some expert advice. Does anyone have a rec' of an app or way of keeping track of the food diary and the exercise. I know there are a few new electronic things out there that can help. I am very much a visual learner and am interested in things that can help me track my progress. (other than my scale).

Any suggestions that you have that don't require a large amount of spending would be greatly appreciated.  I've been told about Myfitnesspal.com which does seem to have some great ways of tracking my food, I'm not sure about the exercise part and I'm unclear about their apps.

emyrldlady: (Spoilers)

On Friday, my ‘Bro’ (really we have to stop doing that) AmazonX and I were making plans to see Kill The Messenger. I was going to take the train in to NYC for the viewing, it was showing in Times Sq. I said, ‘Hey, let’s do the Avengers Station at Discovery as well!’ Then I saw Clark Gregg tweet about PaleyFest and how they’ll be in NYC on Sunday…. well I checked the website and could only get seats in the 2nd viewing room for $20 each. We figured, what they hey, maybe we could get pics with/of them outside if we got there early.

But not only did I get a pic with Chloe Bennet (Skye) and a sort of pic with Ming-Na Wen (Kick ass agent May) outside (Clark was mobbed couldn’t get close enough) we were told while waiting on line ‘go down those stairs’. Next thing we know we are in MAIN PROGRAMING!! And while waiting we progressively moved down until we were around row 6!?!?

We got to watch next week’s episode early!!! No spoilers but WOW!!!!

And I got to have the last word. No really. Mine was the last comment. I put my foot in my mouth though. What I meant to say was ‘I’m so happy that there are people in my age demographic kicking ass on screen and not behind a desk.’ ….. yeah, somehow it ended up ‘you’re not young and athletic, but great job guys’ or something like that. If you look up NYC Paley Fest 2014 and AOS I’m the last minute of filming and CG is laughing at me. (Please disregard my 3 chins and enormous flabby arms, diet starts this week!)

So we leave…. go stand outside with everyone else, but hey me and AmazonX are front and center and we’re gonna cut a mother if someone gets in our way of Clark Gregg because damn I got checked bad by people on his way in.

We wait about 1/2 hr. We can see inside where they’re mingling a bit with staff and we realize they’re not going to come out full front and center but rather a smaller door to the side. Chloe comes out and there is a stampede to get to her. AmazonX and I stand our ground dead center. We’re still keeping an eye on CG to see which way he goes because he’s still all shmoozy and stuff inside.

Suddenly AmazonX says ‘Fuck it’ lets just go back inside and see if he’ll take the pic with us. I am suddenly inside with a deer caught in headlights look being glowered at by a large security guard who my friend is attempting to sweet talk into asking for a pic with CG. Guard is ADAMANT NO WAY. CG sees us walks, over and says ‘But they’re already inside.” and puts his arm around me!!!! After my pic he smooooothly slides over to ‘Bro’ and I fumble and get a pic for her (Thank goodness it worked my phone had been acting up all day). We thank him profusely and slide right back outside where everyone was still occupied with Chloe!

Hugs, jumping up and down like kids and home.

Just another average Sunday here.



emyrldlady: (Default)

September 2016

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