emyrldlady: (Disaster)
I was doing so well.

I definitely have what you would call situational depression. I become depressed when I can’t control situations and am left helpless by what’s going on around me. Best example of that is of course money.

Since I was bailed out in October my depression hasn’t vanished but I’ve been able to control it and deal with it much better. The push for a healthy new me has helped greatly.

Yesterday was supposed to be one of those days where I ‘take control’. I took the day off and had a couple of annual doctor’s visits set up. After that I planned on a little post birthday pampering.
I slept in, then made myself eggs and bacon and showered and headed out.

I got to my Endo and they asked me for my referral paperwork. I looked at them confused. My referral was good for six months and It was approved in August…. Nope. My insurance company wiped everything clean as of the first of the year.

Not only did they wipe out my referrals, they wiped out my GP information as well so that when I called my GPs office in an emergency they had no access to my insurance site and couldn’t get me another referral.
I had to call my insurance company, have them reinstate my GP information and then called back my GP, mind you I’m still sitting in my Endo’s office doing all this because I can’t get into my appointment without all of this, GP’s office says it takes 24hrs for the updates to go through and they can’t backdate anything these days and besides that the GP needs to see me in his office before they can do a referral. But I have to wait to see them because they’re not listed yet in my insurance system.

My Endo’s office wanted to charge me for the visit that I didn’t get to have that’s $50 for a specialist. But she ‘kindly’ let me off and rebooked an emergency visit for me for next week. That means I have to take more time off of work.

What this also means is that I didn’t get to go to any of my other doctor’s appointments either.

But it got worse…
As I was driving away from the doctor’s office I got sideswiped. Someone sped up thinking they could get around me as I made the left. They were totally in my blind spot and they hit my rear passenger side. There is no great damage, mostly rubber scrapes and a few paint chips. I’m just upset as I’ve only had this car for six months. Really, I can’t have nice things.

At this point in the day I turned my car around and went home and back to bed. I ate bad food, didn’t get my hair cut or mani-pedi or go to the gym like I planned. I just went home and pouted.

In the grand scheme of things this is not the worst day I’ve ever had. Not even close. However it is the worst day I’ve had since October and it mentally sent me spiraling. Every ‘coping’ habit I have came flooding back. I curled up, didn’t talk to anyone and ate three times what I should have. I lied to myself and that’s the worst part. I really didn’t care.

I got up today, I went to work. I am trying, but it’s a rough one. I know in my brain exactly what I’m doing. I’m just struggling to stop damaging myself because really, I’m the only one who loses.

Thanks for the listen.
emyrldlady: (Get yer Freak on)
Every day isn't going to be great. I know that. I pushed myself hard this weekend because I was finally feeling good. I did some hard housecleaning and loads of laundry that need to be carried up and down a few flights of stairs. Sunday at the gym I pushed harder. I did a heavy grocery shopping that also had me hauling things up and down stairs. By the time mid day hit on Sunday I was paying for all of that. I'm not going to the gym today and I'm ok with that. But I also got very down on myself last night. I had been talking about ideas for a career change and going back to school with a friend on Saturday. I tried to do some research and ended up pretty depressed. The costs are just so hard for me to comprehend. I still have to check out resources but I'm stumped. My bad credit won't help with a loan and how does one qualify for some sort of scholarship when they haven't been inside a school for 30 years. So yeah. I was pretty down last night and it's lingering this morning. But I'm still going to try. There are going to be ups and downs. You can't just miraculously wake up one day and your depression and bad habits are gone. I overate last night. Not dramatically. I didn't eat a pint of ice cream or had fast food. But I did go over my carb limit and I'm a little disappointed in myself. But Rome wasn't built in a day. Thanks for listening.
emyrldlady: (Epic Rory)


So, life is a changing. I have a new job thank goodness. As some of you who follow my twitter know I started working this week from home. I am still doing corporate travel and in the system that I excell at, so training was pretty fast tracked, only 3 days worth. I wish it had been just a bit longer as I am stubling a bit, but that is to be expected. Every one of the supervisor staff thinks I am doing just fine, I however do not. But that's just me and my need to be the best.

The best part (no not the work from home part) is that they gave me insurance from day one. This is fantastic for me, especially since my insulin had run out. I just have to make an appointment with my Endo and get a new prescription.

Since being unemployed I'm about 3K in the hole, not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, but still, owie. I need to buckle down and stop spending. The working from home thing will help. If I'm not out I'm not spending. In theory anyway.

And in one breath when I say I'm going to save money the next is about vacations. I'd like to go down the shore at least once and walk on the boardwalk and eat and drink and play the games, maybe overnight.  I've also been talking about a road trip down to Williamsburg VA, haven't been in years and think it's a pretty easy trip. Want to go to Colonial Williamsburg and Bush Gardens.
Then I'll be heading to Orlando for Hurricane Who in Nov. I'd love to do that AND Chicago Tardis, but unless I get some instacash it ain't happening.

I have 3 orig fic notions running around on the hamsterwheel that is my brain. Need to get working on those.

BookShelf Bombshells.... haven't heard of it? You will. The fabu [livejournal.com profile] lastwordy_mcgee has created a book review site that will be going live at the end of the month and I am one of the reviewers. I shall tweet about it.

Ok, that's it for now. Will post about writing ideas tomorrow hopefully.

oh and p.s. Roman Rory FTW!





 


emyrldlady: (Default)



Music – Friendship – Fandom – Love – Work
And other things

Music:

In the past month I have purchases more CD’s than I have in the past 2 years. I bought 4. I just don’t really buy CD’s. And before you get all ‘don’t be a pirate’ on me, I just don’t listen to music all that much, mostly in the car, on the radio during my commute.

I like music but I can’t sing. I’m horrible. Seriously, even I hate the sound of me singing. And I come from a family of very good singers. My niece, I have no idea why this woman does not have a record contract.

Anyhoo. I’ve been feeling the urge for music lately. I’ve asked on LJ for recommendations or for people to make playlists for me and some have (thank you).

I think I feel like I’m in a transitory stage and music seems to be reflecting that. Two of my fav songs lately have been Firework by Katy Perry and Raise Your Glass by Pink (I also love the Warblers version) they’re both very empowering songs, this is something I really need right now.

Speaking of the Warblers, that is one of the CD’s I bought, along with Adam Lambert’s GlamNation, Katy Perry as previously mentioned and a CD by David Garrett, he’s a German violinist that is just incredible and I don’t mean just his looks. He combines some great classical music with popular rock, just some really great stuff that makes you soar.

I think my musical tastes have degenerated to that of a 12yo girl (because yes the violinist is hot)

Friendship:

Here’s the thing, you all are my friends, some of you are longstanding, some I’ve met in person at conventions and some have bonded with over the internet, but…. My friends are on LJ, my friends are on Twitter, my friends are on FaceBook…. There is no place I can go and ‘bitch’ about my friends without them reading it and being pissed off and or hurt. I need to have a place to do that and yes I know that if you put something out on the internet it’s not really private.

So instead I’m going to tell you a story about ME.

When I was young I was socially awkward. Yes, I know most of us were that’s probably why we’re friends now. I grew up in a small town, it may have only been 10 miles from NYC, but there were only 90 in my graduating class.

Everyone knew everyone’s not so secret secret. Mine was “Be nice to Maureen, her mother’s a drunk.” No one really liked me because they were forced to ‘play nice’. That would cause resentment that as an adult I can now understand, but at age 9? It just gave me a deep seated complex that stands the test of time. I tried very hard to get people to like me rather than tolerate me.

I couldn’t ever bring friends home to play because you never knew if my mother was Mrs. Cleaver or if she was wielding a cleaver. (yes that actually happened)

So I would bribe kids to be my friend. “Hey, let’s go to the candy shop. What? You don’t have any money? I’ll buy.” “Oh, let’s go to the movies! No money? I’ll buy” “Here let me do that homework for you then we can walk to the arcade where I’ll pay for you to play pinball and space invaders and ignore me, but hey, at least I’m not home.”

This became a repetitive theme throughout my life long after my mother wasn’t a part of it. I cannot name one friendship I have complete and utter confidence in as a consequence.

But I work hard to break the cycle that started so long ago.

To that end, I will not buy friends. Sure I’ll catch the tab once in a while and hope that you’ll reciprocate, but I will not bribe someone to go out. Also, I will not beg. If I ask you once and you bail on me, if I ask you twice and you bail on me I should never ask again. I try to keep to this rule but sometimes, sadly I don’t. But I try so hard not to again. Because the only thing it does is depress me and cause me to think ‘why don’t they like me?’ I’m back to being a scared 10 year old. And I fucking HATE that. I can’t tell you how much. Seriously, there are no words for the dark places I go when this happens.

So if I ask you to go hang out repeatedly and then I stop, don’t get mad at me. YOU did this, not me. No matter how much someone professes to love me NO ONE is worth my own self destruction.

So if you want to be my friend. Make the first move.

Fandom:

I’ve been having some recent NCIS and Glee love; unfortunately they air at the same time so I’m like a dog that has discovered that it has two tails. I don’t know where to look first. Sometimes I just turn off the TV and Twitter and read a book till they’re both over then flip a coin and watch the dvr.

Must say that [livejournal.com profile] rm ’s Glee fanfic is incredibly awesome, if you are a fan of the show and K/B you should definitely read it. Yes, I am in love with Blaine and feel appropriately skeevy as I perv on Darren Criss as I am 20 years older than him.

I watched Glee sporadically before his character showed up but I happened to be watching the episode he appeared (well a few episodes before that I had been drawn into the bully storyline as that’s something that’s always important to me). He started to sing Teenage Dream and both Kurt and I fell hard.

Yes, I am one of those middle age women who find m/m hot and trust me I have no CLUE where that came from. It started with Jack/Ianto. Before that, meh didn’t care. I have enough friends; have been in enough clubs and around enough in general that same sex pdas happen. I’ve never stopped and stared… ok, maybe when I was younger and still fairly sheltered, I had one friend whom I never realized he was gay until I walked in on him and another guy making out on the party coat pile, that had my jaw on the ground. But that was more 'holy crap Mark is gay! How did I not know this?"

But as a perv? Nope. So this weird fascination with ‘slash’. Still have no clue. Also, I stand by the statement that if it is a cannon pairing it is not slash. I like Kurt with Blaine, not DiNozzo with Gibbs.

I’m hoping that TWMD will not be a huge disappointment, as it gets closer I’m getting more and more nervous.

I went to the NYC Premiere of DW last month, #DWLineCon was awesome and weird and I freaked out just a bit. I was a bit upset that I wasn’t closer to the front of the line as I was on the line for over 12hrs. But… yeah, just but.

I re-watched the first 2 episodes at home and think that perhaps the sleep deprivation and excitement may have colored my judgment just a bit. But Canton love is still there.

I saw the third episode and was let down. It was less of an ensemble cast from the previous episodes which was something I loved and more of ‘Listen to me I’m in charge I’m the Doctor, I have two hearts but have no idea what CPR is.’

Smallville is ending after ten years. You all didn’t know I watched did you. Comic book love is my first love.

Love:

*listens to crickets*
No changes.

Work:

Well I had been hoping to announce that I had a permanent job but that didn’t work out. My temp job ends on the 27th. I was going to end it the 20th because I would have to go to a different office to complete the assignment and I reallllly hate that office, but my recruiter begged me to stay and well, if she’s happy with me she’ll work harder to find me a permanent job. At least I’m maintaining my skills.

Other things:

I don’t think I’ve got any other things. It doesn’t help that it’s nearly midnight and I can’t think anymore.





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