emyrldlady: (Elf ears)
Being as this year has 29 days in Feb I shall give you the sum of my fears.

I'm broke, not very healthy and paranoid.

But you know what? I'm still fucking beautiful.



Thanks for sticking around all month and listening to me. 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 28:

Letting go

I've always felt awkward. That when I hug someone hello I hold on too long, or not long enough. Probably why I don't like doing the fare fake hug kiss thing. Or lingering at a party too long, or afraid to leave too early giving people the chance to talk about me. 

I feel that I give so many tries, for me, for friends, for family. But for my own health, my own sanity some times you just have to let go. 

Let go of a family member who's been nothing but mean to you just because you have a different mother. Let go of a friend who takes advantage of you over and over but you keep because you're afraid you won't have any more friends. 

Letting go of anger
Letting go of old emotions
Letting go of things that are bad for me.

But letting go means accepting new things into your life and this is a scary concept.

Face my fear:

I think the cleaning house these past few weeks signifies something big coming my way. 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 27:

Death by Chocolate

Quite a few of the themes this month have been depression and health worries. Put them together and well....

There's the adage that if someone talks about suicide they're less likely to do it. Sort of a pressure valve if you will.

There a many people worse off than me. Poorer health, finances, lonely. I know this and thank the gods some days that I have the life I do.

But there are other days that don't go as well. That I'm sick so many days in a row with no energy and swollen legs and pain and I feel all alone and face a mountain of debt and just one thing after another hits and it feels like I can't take anymore.

Then I go out and buy a cake and eat the whole thing.

Hey, that's what women are supposed to do when depressed right? Call their best boys Ben and Jerry?

But this just makes me sick. And not sick enough to count.

Seems I'm pretty hard to kill. Just ask the ICU nurses or the doctors who shake their heads at me in wonder. 

Face my fear:

Try not to buckle. Allow myself a small treat as a reward, not as comfort. 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 26:

Change.

I had to go back and look to see if I did change already because it's such a fundamental fear. 

I'm going to give a specific example.

I have been recommend for a corporate travel job in NYC. It's at a prestigious law firm in Times Square and it's for substantially more money. Currently I work from home so I have very few expenses. This job is very VIP and very customer service intensive. I fear going for it because I'd have to change. My look, my attitude, the way I do my job.

Can I do it? Probably.
Will I do it? Probably not.
Why? Fear of change.

I fear changing my lifestyle, I fear changing my surroundings. I fear getting out of my comfort zone, I fear.... well, change.

We all do.

Face my fear:

Will I go for this job? No. I've already talked myself out of it.

But I will find some boundary to push, even if it's baby steps.
 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 25:

Forgetting who I am.

We all to through phases, they're transitional, it's the very meaning of the word. But some things stick with us, some things we are our entire lives. But if we deny these things we deny who we are, what we are and how we got to be us.

I'm redecorating my apartment. I've always loved decorating and feel that I have fairly good taste. I'm not a professional, but I take my time (it's been 5 years since I moved in and I actually only have 3 things up on the walls and I've never painted) It's not that I have a lack of faith in my ability, it's more that I can't choose one style. There are so many things that make up me.

Recently I've realized I've 'put away' so many things that were me. And that's a very bad thing. It's like I'm washing away my personality to better fit in with others.


Face my fear:

I need to better integrate them rather than ignore them.

I read
I act
I am a witch
I love travel
I love old Hollywood
I love Ireland
I love anything Celtic
  
emyrldlady: (Default)
Only a few more days of Feb, wow.

Fear 24:

Not being important.

I think this is a fairly done deal. I'm not important, and before anyone says 'don't be silly, you're important to me.' I'm not.

There's no one who's live I've truly impacted. My family barely remembers to send me a holiday card or two. I'm not married, I've no children. Those of you who are my friends, well. I may be a fond memory or a chuckle about a story. You're twitter feed will be quieter, but if I'm gone your life will continue apace. There will be no great impact or #RIPME hashtag. 

I haven't done enough in my life or with my life to register on the Richter.  


Face my fear:

I really don't know. I feel like I'm already fading wallpaper waiting to be painted over.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 23:

Never achieving my dreams

I heard something on TV tonight, 

"Dreams are nothing without goals, because without goals you can never achieve your dreams"

This was from a disabled Olympian.

He's done more with his life that I'll never dream of doing. I remember when I was young my dream was to travel. I wanted to back pack Europe and visit all the Continents. I wanted to be a flight attendant so I could go around the world. 

Then my dad got sick. Then he died. Then I had to be responsible and my dreams were shot. I became a Travel Agent because I thought that might combine being responsible an getting to travel.  Then I got married... to a man afraid to fly.

Since then all I've done is survive. Money is always tight, I have to be responsible. I had some money saved and could have gone to Gally, but instead of landing myself behind the 8ball yet again. I paid some bills. I got caught up. Now I've been spending a bit of money on things I need around the house and I feel guilty like I should be paying someone else or saving it or something. 

I've had dreams of acting. I never pursued it professionally and I will always regret that. But I was on stage every single year for 30 years.... that's a lot. I loved it. But now? Eyesight. And to be honest with myself I'm afraid I can't memorize lines like I once could.

Writing.... wow, um, well I've always written. Stories, poems, plays. Inside my head was the safest place to be as a kid. I've had plays performed and poems published and articles in newspapers. It's only recently I've been thinking seriously about writing professionally.

I'm pretty scared to be honest. Afraid that I won't complete things. I can throw out a few hundred words for a fanfic, but hell, original manuscript? *terrified*

I blame money and my health on so many 'crushed' dreams. And that's wrong, it's just an excuse to be lazy.

Face my fear:

Only one way. Keep dreaming, but do something about it.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Two posts today to catch up.

Fear 22:

My job will kill me.

No, seriously. Stress can effect sugar levels dramatically. A prime example is after lunch my sugars were at 141, not bad for me after just having eaten. When I took my sugars before dinner without food and after insulin my sugars were 295. 

Yeah, technically I should go to the hospital for anything over 300. I don't. I get 300 regularly. Stress does that to me and I have a very high stress job. Trust me, Travel Agent does not equal fun happy job.

Some days my body hurts immensely and there's not much I can do at the time. I have to stay on the phone, complete my task. Today I spend over 3hrs trying to fix something that was unfixable and had to call the traveler back and tell them that it was something I couldn't do and he had to go to the airport to get it fixed. So basically felt like a failure for something that should have been easily fixed.

Also, I'm a stress eater, so that' doesn't help me at all. I stand by my statement that I will commit suicide by chocolate.


Face my fear:

*sigh* I can't get another job. I've been a travel agent for nearly 25 years and I can't do anything else.

I should probably go back to guided meditation classes. They were helpful.

 
emyrldlady: (Default)
So.... I guess my fear about not completing tasks is redundant. I completely forgot to post last night. I blame Glee.

Fear 21:

Crowds

Again, a good portion of my fears are fairly common, or at least strike a cord with others. I hate crowds. Last weekend was Gally in LA, I'd only been there one year and thought it was too crowded, there was about 1100 there. This year? They had over 3000. That would have sent me into overdrive. 

When I would go to Renn Faire there were always crowds but I knew people and could easily find places to hide and well, when it got too crowded, and it did, I would just leave. I could go home or to the hotel room and chill out.

It's not so much I'm claustrophobic, but I start to feel out of control, that I'm no longer in charge of my space. 

Also, lines. Even as a kid I despised them. Now, with sciatica, and swollen legs from diabetes? Sheer horror. I have friends constantly asking me 'how could you NOT want to go to Disney?' Lines. That's how.


Face my fears:

This one's hard? Maybe I will go Gally next year? Disney off season? Lots of deep breaths?
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 20:

Giving up.

Some days it's easier to just crawl back into bed and give up. My illness, my finances, being alone. Depression is something that I never thought I'd had to deal with. My whole life was rough. Sure, some had it worse and some had it better. I always had food and a roof, I never did drugs. But the continual powder keg that was my childhood always had me on edge. 

But I always just pulled myself up and moved on. It's gotten harder as I've gotten older. Maybe I'm not as resilient as I once was. Maybe I always thought it would get better and not worse. 

Today was a bad day. I just wanted to turn off my work computer, exit my phone and my personal computer and just go back to bed. I didn't want to restart the day. I just didn't want to deal with any of it. Especially the phone call from the hospital about my $16K bill after insurance.

Face my fear:

Go to sleep, wake up. Rinse, repeat.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 19:

Mondays

Or rather going back to work on Monday and not knowing what  has happened over the weekend and what I'm going to face.
You see I used to work with a psyco... seriously I've written here about her I believe the tag is dramallama.

She would sabotage me. Find little things and make them huge. So on Monday's I'd never know what to expect. From my email not working to her canceling trips using my sign on.

So yeah. Not so cool with the Monday.


Face my fear:

Well, I don't work with psyco anymore and I have to remember that I'm good at what I do. 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 18:

Running out of fears?

In my paranoid delusion I thought "Feb's only got 28-9 days in it. I've got tons more fear than that."

So running out of fears isn't a bad thing. But I am procrastinating facing a few of my bigger ones as I thought they would be posted later in the month and would deal with them at that time.

Well, hmm, is procrastination a fear? Perhaps a bad habit. I've got tons of those. 


Face my fear:

*takes sip of whiskey* 
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 17:

Fear of ladders?


What I'm afraid of doing are things that are simple but yet not. I want to paint my kitchen. I've been saying this for 5 years. But I'm afraid to get on a ladder alone, even a step stool.  Again, afraid to get on a ladder and change a light bulb. Or hang my curtains. 

When I was young I was practically a monkey. I could climb a ladder or a scaffold and change a light bar for theater and jump down unassisted.

But somewhere in my mid to late 20's I started to get vertigo. 2 weeks ago I was in a mall and we paused outside a store while one of the group ran in, everyone else leaned against the clear glass wall/rail that looked down on the ground floor. I mildly freaked out and went and leaned and I mean heavily leaned against the store wall. 

So now when I'm more than 3 feet off the ground I get dizzy. 

Face my fear:

I have to learn to do things for myself. I have to work through it. I've given myself till April 1 to redo my apartment. I am going to paint the damn thing by myself. However I may ask someone to come over and just sit on my couch in case I do fall over.

baby steps
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 16:

Comprehension.

I like to think I'm fairly intelligent, bu the best advise I'd ever gotten was. "If you don't know much about the subject, shut up, listen, and nod like you know what's going on." Rarely have I ever been called out on this, mostly because people like to talk, especially if they're passionate about the subject.

My passions in school were history, literature, theater. I could never get math and science to work for me, I never saw the symmetry. It just never clicked in my head. And well, guess what computers are? Math and science. So when people tell me 'oh it's easy, you just do this this and this.' I'm lost. I have no clue and unless someone is sitting next to me and making me do it over and over again I won't get it. This frustrates others and then end up just doing it for me or telling me to figure it out on my own. This is probably why I have next to no music on my phone/iPod. Jeff gave me a new alarm clock/iPhone charger thingie for xmas. It's still in the box.

I get so angry with myself. I just don't get why my brain won't comprehend. 

Face my fear:

Read the instructions?
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 15:

Putting it out there.

Again, another statement covering a multitude of sins. So I'll just take another day talking about writing. The basis that many of you know me from is my writing fanfic. Specifically Torchwood. Well, I and many of you have pulled away from that as the show and characters I wrote about doesn't really exist anymore. Especially not in the context we met and fell in love with them.

I've always dabbled in writing. Poetry, short stories, one act plays. It's something I could pick up and put down at will. Like an old friend who never feels neglected. During my life I had many outlets for my creativity. I acted for over 30 years of my life and went to the Renaissance faire for nearly as long. But as my health diminished my acting and Renn Faire activities I wrote. And wow, I had built in characters and setting and a fan base. Fanfic was cool. 

Today's fear is prompted by a friend's call tonight. Don't get me wrong, I adore her, and she's incredibly talented and she's just starting to 'put it out there' herself. But she did. And she's been accepted and asked for more. I am thrilled for her down to my toes. But, I can't help feel a bit jealous. But I can't be. Why?

Because I don't put it out there.

I don't submit anywhere, I don't put any original writing out there for anyone to reject. Hell, I don't even finish writing it. Because if it's finished then I'd have no excuse to not 'put it out there'.

So, yeah, this is more about fear of rejection.

Face my fear:

Take a deep breath, finish a story, and hit 'submit'. Sounds easy. Let's hope it is.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Well, that was poor planning, I should have held off on 'Fear of Love' till tonight. I've been feeling very good about this experiment. I'm actually running out of fears! Well, I do have a few big ones that I'm just not ready to address yet, but before the month is up I will.

Fear 14:

What diabetes does to my body. 

I have a lot of fears about diabetes that are hard to lump into one post as there are so many different things that could happen.

No one ever dies of diabetes, they die from 'xyz diabetes complications'. Diabetes wrecks your immune system. If you get a cold, I get pneumonia ect ect.


One fear that haunts me nightly is about my feet. I check them every night for signs of bruising or discoloration. Why? Because I want to keep them. Gangrene is a serious diabetic complication and also very common. 

I had a roommate who's mother had diabetes, she wasn't even insulin dependent like me. She slipped on ice one December and had a bruise on her ankle. By Jan she was in the hospital, by Feb she'd lost her foot. March, her leg up to her thigh. April she was dead. I saw this happen I was around for it. She died in my living room because she had no place else to go, her son, my roommate had to care for her.


Face my fear:

Well, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, I check my feet nightly. I keep them moist and do my best not to be clumsy and get bruises.  I have to remember that her case was rare and unusual. But I can't help having a panic attack if I see a bruise. I just try my best to be aware, that's all I can do. oh and well, get my sugars under control better.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 13:

Being awkward.

This can cover a multitude of sins. But I will be specific. I can't dance. I have no rhythm. I always feel awkward and out of place. 

In the 'I should have been born in another era' category, I can dance if I have a strong male partner. My father was an excellent dance, I could waltz, swing, jive, anything that required following a lead because I didn't have to find the beat, just his feet.

When I'm out on a dance floor now, with everyone's limbs flailing in all directions I am always a step behind. I do the white boy shuffle and sway my hips a bit and hope for the best. I have had people, supposedly friends, point out how bad I am. They tell me I just have to let loose and not care. But that's not something I can do. I am always afraid I'm making a fool of myself and I end up never enjoying myself. Although it's been years since I've been out dancing.

I pretty much suck at that mating ritual.


Face my fear:

Well, how the hell do I do that? Take dance lessons? Just 'let loose'? Maybe one day I'll be able to 'dance like nobody's watching' but that day is not today.
emyrldlady: (Default)
Fear 12:

Being alone in a crowd.

So last night I proudly faced one of my fears. Night driving. I went to a birthday party for a friend. There were many people there that I knew and just as many that I didn't It was a nice mix. I like to think that I can be entertaining and can jump into a conversation here and there. And I enjoyed myself.

However,

There's always the part of a party when, if you have come on your own, at least for me, you realize everyone else is engaged in conversation. Speaking to their partner, or another person or group. When you stand alone awkwardly in the center of the room either avoiding or hoping for eye contact. The point of the night when you are back in 5th grade and hoping to be picked, if not first, then at least not last, for a team sport. 

No one ostracized me or told me to sit in the chair in the corner. It just happened.

Face my fear:

What I have to do is remember that this happens to everyone. To not relive my childhood when I was ridiculed and left for last in dodge ball. To not allow it to gain power. To remember that I am smart and funny and can tell a great story when the opportunity arises. And if that opportunity does not, then it's simply someone else's turn to shine and to be happy for them and listen appreciatively to their funny story.
emyrldlady: (drive off the pier)
Fear 11:

Driving at night.

Since my incident with my eyesight I have horrible night vision. Even sometimes walking around if I go from dark to light (i.e. outside into a store) the light overwhelms me. I feel off balance and not sure where I should step. I often walk inside and just step off to the side of the doors to wait till I adjust.

I can't do that driving. Once upon a time driving in NYC was a bitch but doable. It used to be about 'city drivers are insane' now it's 'the lights are way too distracting' If I am driving and there are oncoming headlights or distracting building/street lights I get nervous. The hard to breathe, sweaty palms mot sure what I should do blank panic nervous. If I am in an area that I know very very well I'm much calmer, but well that's not always the case and it hinders me greatly. People think I don't want to go and hang out because I turn them down. I often suggest meeting for lunch on the weekends because it's easier for me. But that's kind of like the blind date that's 'let's meet for coffee and see where it goes' attitude. But it's not. 

Face my fear:

*grabs keys* I'm about to drive an hour and a half to go to a friend's birthday party. 

Wish me luck, and no black ice.
emyrldlady: (Disaster)
Fear Ten:

Getting old.

There's several ways this can be interpreted. There's the obvious, grey hair and aching body parts fear of getting old.

But mine is more well.... monetary.

I am 45. This isn't really OLD, but it is middle aged. I'm technically less than 20 years to the female retirement age which is 62. But as everyone keeps telling us there won't be any social security funds available when I'm ready to retire. And well frankly I'll never be ready to retire because I have no retirement fund in place. I have no 401K plan, no savings, no investments. I live hand to mouth and have for many years. So there will be no retirement village in Boca for me. Nothing even close.

Face my fear:

I'd like to say 'oh I'm getting my 401k or IRA or whatever in place, but it's either eat now or eat then. I'll always keep my eye out for the opportunity to get these plans in place.

Maybe I'll just hope to have a sudden heart attack and die at 62?

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