Nov. 7th, 2014

emyrldlady: (corset)

I'm working very hard on being positive. It actually seems to be working. I've spent so much time complaining about my life and it does suck sometimes. But I need to take control over the things that I CAN control. 
Financially I'm in a bit of a better place as I've gotten a loan and am currently out of debt except for that loan. There is a plan in place that will have me saving money starting in the New Year. I will have to move and get a roommate, I already know who it is, he just has to get the rest of his plan in place, we’ve already looked at apartments and know what we want and for the most part are in complete agreement. 
Once I’ve settled in a new place my bills will be reduced by almost $500 a month. That’s significant, especially for me.
Come spring, I want to go back to school. I have no idea for what or how exactly. I’m checking into different aptitude sites. I’m so burnt out and Travel will never give me the paycheck I need to survive, never mind thrive. I’m hoping I end up in some sort of research position. I do enjoy that.
I had a realization lately, especially with my new fitness/health plan #fitforfifty that for the past few years I’ve just been waiting to die. That’s no way to live. I’ve done some fun things but I stopped planning. I stopped wanting things. I just….. was. The only daydreams I had were winning the lottery or different ways of dying. I would be driving down the road and could envision how I would crash my car just the right way that I wouldn’t survive. I would wonder how much insulin it would take to kill myself. And then be pissed off that I couldn’t afford the insulin.
There is so much out there and I need to remember that my life is not bad. It’s what I make of it. It’s time I took control back.
I’m doing that now. I’ve lost 8 lbs in almost 3 weeks. I’ve joined an affordable gym. I’ve started meditating again. I’m reading again. Not just fanfic but books. I’ve gone and sat in a coffee shop and people watched. I’ve remembered what it’s like to be out and about in the world.
I’ve had a lot of encouragement and for that I’m very grateful. Some people haven’t been as supportive as I’d like. I think that if I’m in a terrible position, they feel better about themselves. That’s not what a true friend is. I’m trying to cut the negativity out of my life and sadly that means letting go of some people.
I’m still going to be the sarcastic lil’ bitch I’ve always been. I’m just gonna have a great job and a bangin bod to go with it!

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emyrldlady

September 2016

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